Insecurity

in·se·cu·ri·ty

ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/

noun

1 1.
uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

My insecurities:

•My body

•My acne

•Being liked

I struggle with these specific things constantly.

My acne I’ve struggled with since I was 10 years old. It’s always been an issue. Especially in middle school. I remember I had the BIGGEST crush on this guy. I thought he was so dreamy. I remember whenever there was an event that I knew he would attend I would purposely go. Didn’t matter what the event was, I would be there. But whenever my acne was horrible or even a little bit bad, I would avoid going to anything, or anywhere for that matter. I was so embarrassed.

Ever since I was a kid, I was always worried about what people thought of me. I had to make sure they liked me. The people I consider my best friends, I still worry about them liking me and wanting to be around me. Sometimes I feel like they don’t like me. Considering they’re my boyfriends best friends, I mean can you blame me? I feel like I stole his friends. There’s always a voice in the back of my mind whispering “Do you really think they like you?” “How do you know they aren’t pretending?” “How do you know that they are here for you?” “They probably are just here for Archer (my boyfriend)”. This happens literally everyday. And it’s not like he can steal my friends right on back because I literally have none. I had a best friend when I started dating my boyfriend, but that kinda went down the toilet sense he’s a dude. But the point is, that’s one of my insecurities and it sucks.

Now this one is a big one for me. My body. I never really had any issues with my body image until about a year ago. I went on some medication that made me gain weight. And from there it’s just gotten worse and worse. I compare myself to girls everyday. This is something I wake up and think about everyday. Something I cry about out of anger. I get so angry with myself for letting myself get to where I am today. I’ve been in dance and gymnastics ever since I was 3 years old, till about a year ago, my dance studio closed down. This was a hard thing for me to deal with. That place was my second home, my second family. I lost all motivation to get back into dance. I am scared of going to a new dance studio for many reasons. I’ve tried to keep up with workouts and eating healthy, but it’s not the same, nor as fun as dancing is. My point being, dance is what kept me in shape. And now I don’t have that. I’ve been shaming myself forever about my body. I compare myself to my boyfriends exes all the time.

I can’t say that I’m ever going to fully get over any of my insecurities. But I’m going to try. So stay tuned for more of my journey.

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